Yoda Meditations

Today I'd like to explore Yoda or more accurately, his voice.

You know when people do the Yoda voice, and their voice breaks because they can't keep it up? Is there a name for that?

Back in 2000 the brilliant Nintendo 64 game "Perfect Dark" shamelessly imitated Yoda's voice for one of it's key alien characters.  The Yoda style voice however, can be heard to fail on a few occasions during the games cut-scenes.

Can you even be said to be doing an impression of Yoda?  For instance, If I do an impression of the primeminister, I'm doing an impression of a real person (unfortunately) he is the real one, I'm the fake. But Yoda isn't real, he's voiced by actor Frank Oz in the movies and Tom Kane in the games.  

He is a puppet in the old movies and CGI in the games and newer movies.  I wonder if Frank Oz hates Tom Kane? I mean, who is Tom Kane? Anyway, is your version of Yoda any less real than Frank's or Tom's (There is a Peter as well, but forget him) 

Does the fact that these guys are contracted to do the Yoda voice mean they are the "real" voices of Yoda.  What if 10 people were employed to do the voice? Are they all the real voice too?

The state of Hailsham

 Coming soon:

There are currently no trains entering or leaving Hailsham. What can be done to get them moving again, and does emperor King god Trump have a clear strategy? What will the effect on geopolitics be in the future?

How to prevent looting

Have you noticed that whenever there is some kind of disaster or riot, people loot, and you can guarantee that the top item to be removed from shops is a  TV.  I have the answer to this problem.  Why not give big decent TV's to those on benefit for a year or more. i'm pretty sure this will dramatically reduce the number of looting occurences. two reasons: 1. they will be too engrossed in watching TV to take to the streets. 2. they won't need to loot as they already have a nice TV.  There you go, problem solved

This is the drill, baby!

 I want this made into a film:

A pop star who is known for having the sound of power tools in his songs. For instance the song in the title above would literally have the sound of a drill in the chorus.  The songs & pop star would be a source of comfort and easy familiarity with the masses.  Being played on tinny radios in greasy spoon cafes and on building sites.  The pop star would be seen as a working class hero, whom the public would assume was an ex builder or handyman who has made good. A kind of British low key version of Bruce Springsteen. Later the public would be shocked to discover that their hero was in fact an intellectual, ineffectual at DIY.

Sesame Street's Cookie Monster Needs a Swallow Function

One of my favourite characters in Sesame Street was the Cookie Monster, the greedy blue twat that furiously munched on cookies whilst shouting "Cookies!" The more I watched him however, the more I realised that not one cookie was actually disappearing down his throat, but instead were simply falling crushed from his enormous mouth onto the floor. 

I don't know about you, but I want to feel as If those cookies are really being eaten.  If he still appears on the show, I wouldn't be surprised if this problem remains. This can be easily remedied by attaching a throat to the puppet. the puppeteer's hands can still be hidden behind this throat. The throat can contain a bag which is easily emptied after the performance. The shattered remains of the biscuits can then be easily disposed of, or distributed to the cast and crew for consumption.

The polite smile gets a punch in the face

Coming soon:

Imagine two men walk towards each other in a narrow corridor.  As they approach, it becomes apparent that there isn't enough room for both to comfortably pass.  The first man takes the initiative and turns sideways. As he turns he starts to give that polite closed mouth half smile, that we've all given in such situations.  You know the one, where you almost feel that you have shrunken, so as not to cause the other person any inconvenience by taking up an equal amount of atoms as them? Now picture this: as the half smile reaches it's apex the second guy smashes his fist into those closed lips... 

Was Merlin neuro divergent?

Coming soon:

Merlin was brilliant, skillful and powerful; but didn't seem to pursue his own agenda. He was happy to help his King, seemingly uninterested in pursuing power for himself...